Alright, let’s be honest, nobody likes transvestites, or their scientific name, tranny’s. Homosexuals are starting to flamboyantly edge their way into acceptability, but tranny’s are not even close. They are confusing creatures, and should be placed next to centaurs in the mythological dictionary for shit we don’t understand.

You would think that in a place like India, where homosexuality is generally something kept under public radar, that tranny’s would be looked down upon. Well they are, but have managed to find their own little money grubbing niche within society.

Begging is an industry in itself within India, with the potential to make big bucks. Tranny’s take it to a new level. They bring an asshole attitude to the business, and these modern day madoff’s are taking their skills all the way to the bank.

At worst, their methods are genius, at best, legendary. They make their money through “blessings,” or as they call it in their world, “bullshit.” They frequent red lights stops, trains, and bazaars, where they will come over to you, touch your ahead, mumble a few words of tranny gibberish, and then demand payment for these blessings. If you refuse, you will be cursed. Saavy businessman i tell ya. The business model was later adopted by warren buffett and used in the trade of junk bonds.

Always traveling in groups, the best way to avoid these people is to avoid eye contact. Any glimpse of their manliness will no doubtedly lead to blessings, and if you refuse to pay, it could get ugly. They will harass you, throw their nastiness in your face, and possibly grope you. I made that last part up, but it could happen.

In the intro, R. Kelly’s intentions are vague. He is a complex individual with complex emotions. I personally believe that this first part is a reference to the identity issues that he experienced as a child growing up in a mixed race household.

[Verse 1]
It’s like a jungle atmosphere
And we’re two monkeys baby
It’s like we’re on a vine
The way we’re swinging it baby
See, you’re a tiger girl
The way you’re scratching me
I’m a lion
In this jungle I’m a king
Girl, I got you so wet
It’s like a rain forest
Like Jurassic Park
Except I’m your sex-a-saurus baby
You and me hopping
Like two kangaroos
Rattling and moaning
Out here in these woods

In Verse 1, R. Kelly demonstrates his love for archaeology, referencing the rare and little-understood sex-a-saurus.

[B-section 1]
Ooo ooo ooo ooo
Aaa aaa aaa aaa
Those are the sounds I wanna hear
When you’re moaning in my ear
Girl you’re singing to me
Ooo ooo ooo ooo
Aaa aaa aaa aaa
You got me locked up in your cage of ecstasy
And I don’t wanna be free cause it’s

[Chorus 1]
Wild like a zoo
And that’s the way I like it baby
Crazy me and you
Making love like we was just two heated animals
Baby come and lay with me in my jungle

In a later interview, R. Kelly reveals that the reference to the “jungle” was literal, as his trimmer broke recently because of the aforementioned “rattling and moaning.”

[Verse 2]
Ooo, I swear I’m about to go
Turn your body around and beat the skins like it’s a bongo
A thousand birds up out the tree
Girl, like a swarm of bees
That is how it’s gonna be
Climaxing you and me
Touch the root of your soul
Let Mother Nature take control
Over us is rain and leaves
So come on girl
Let’s plant these seeds, yeah

R. Kelly enjoys nothing more than excitement and lust of bee sex.

[B-section 2]
Ooo ooo ooo ooo
Aaa aaa aaa aaa
Baby, those are the sounds I wanna hear
When you’re moaning in my ear
Singing

Ooo ooo ooo ooo
Aaa aaa aaa aaa
(Oh yeah)
You got me locked up in your cage of ecstasy
And I don’t wanna be free cause it’s

[Chorus 2]
Wild like a zoo
And that’s the way I like it baby
Crazy me and you
Making love like we was just two heated animals
Baby won’t you come and lay in my jungle

Zoo’s are wild. There truly is nothing crazier than human-dependent animals locked up in cages within the confines of a major urban city.

[Bridge]
Ya’ll don’t understand
Like two cheetahs running free
African butterfly to me
You’re my safari fantasy
Girl this is heaven to me
Baby we are like coconut and banana trees
(It’s a tropical)
Tropical chemistry
Like the wild life
I’m doing you baby
(I’m doing you baby)
You’re doing me baby
(You’re doing me baby)
It’s you and me
(It’s you and me)
Going wild

R. Kelly has his phd from Harvard in tropical chemistry, having coauthored many papers with the great mathematician Rithlal on the sexual patterns of butterflies.

[Chorus 3]
Wild like a zoo
And that’s the way (Oh baby) I like it baby
Crazy me and you
Making love like we was just two heated animals
So baby come and lay with me in my jungle

(I don’t wanna break free ’cause this is)
Wild like a zoo
Just the way I like it baby
Crazy me and you
Making love like we was just two heated animals
Girl come and lay with me in my (lay with me) jungle

(Girl I like it cause it’s)
Wild like a zoo (Wild like a zoo)
Crazy me and you (Crazy me and you, Yeah)
Heated animals (Heated animals)
Girl come and lay with me in my jungle

In a word; genius. His realistic analogies to the animal world have captured the hearts and minds of millions. Disney has already signed him to a movie deal, as The Zoo will be the subject of its next feature film, The Princess and the Frog Moving Like We Was Just Two Heated Animals.

We hope you enjoyed our writing. In summary, India is funny in more than one way, Michael Cera is a god, and we both will most likely never outgrow an obsession with diarrhea, even though that in itself is not funny, even in India. Also, the mustache has been proven to up one’s IQ by 100 points, while also increasing girth and stamina.

Josh tries to advocate for his team to be called “Gulab Jamun”, an Indian dessert that he’s obsessed with. The kids weren’t having it. They all synonymously choose to be called team Blue Star, and we both didn’t really think too much of it.

In the late 1970′s, a man by the name of Jarnail Singh Bhindranwale was gaining power in the state of Punjab (where my family is from). He had long been a missionary for Sikhism, advocating for people to rid themselves of alcohol, drugs, and other vices. As his popularity grew within Punjab, his thirst for power grew as well. He attempted to gain power legitimately through formal elections, but when he failed, he became increasingly militant.

He began assassinating  those who opposed him while terrorizing the citizens of Punjab. He was so powerful within the state that there was little recourse. He continued to amass weapons, and took shelter at the Golden Temple in Amritsar, the holiest temple in the Sikh religion.

Operation Blue Star took place on June 3, 1984, as Prime Minister Indira Gandhi ordered the Indian military to storm the Golden Temple and remove the separatists. The operation was succesful, Bhindranwale was killed, but because the operation was held on a Sikh religious holiday, many of the civilians who were trapped inside were also killed.

While it was successful, Sikhs around India considered the entry of military personnel into the Golden Temple to be sacrilegious and a desecration of the holy site. Sikhs within government resigned their positions and gave up their government awards.

A few months later, on Halloween of that same year, Indira Gandhi was assassinated by two of her Sikh body guards. Rioting in the streets resulted, as Hindus massacred Sikhs, especially within Delhi. Shops were ransacked, houses burned to the ground, and many were killed. The first places targeted were the gurdwaras, Sikh religious sites, to prevent them from collecting there and mounting a defense. Some have alleged that the ruling party supplied voting lists to identify Sikh citizens and businesses, and hence were complacent with the killings.

So maybe the kids think military operations are cool, or maybe they are Hindus and don’t really care for the Sikhs, I’m not really sure. All I know is that Buckets won and Blue Star lost, and that sort of religious tension and animosity is irrelevant on the field.

I’ve been a bit hesitant in terms of how much teaching I should do. I don’t want them to feel as if they are coming just to hear me talk, so for the most part we just play.

We discussed what a travel was (when you move while holding the frisbee) and some of the kids are starting to call it. They call more travels than they stall count (is you are unsure of what stall counts are then you must be a complete loser). Some kids try harder than others. One kid doesn’t believe in defense, and usually just cherry picks the endzone so he can catch the score. He also loves calling travels. He weighs roughly 60 pounds is around 16 years old. I am unsure of whether this kid will ever hit puberty.

3-4 kids showed up that had never played before, so at the beginning of our “frisbee class” as they like to call it, we did names and they all said their favorite hobby. One kid is apparently a poker player millionaire, a lot of kids said they liked cricket, and then we got to Sahil, by far the best of the bunch.

“Hello my name is Sahil, I used to like cricket, but now I like frisbee.”

Either its the game, or I’m a god damn genius. One cricketer at a time, I will eventually convert them all.

• Surrogates – B-Weasy acts the shit out of this movie, one of his finest films. The premise revolves around the idea that Bruce buys a bunch of robotic replicas of Bruce … meaning quadruple the Bruces.

• Land of the Lost – Most people hate Will Ferrell based on the fact that they think too many people like Will Ferrell. Those people are idiots; his shitty movies are guaranteed for 12 giggles at a minimum.
  • Life is all about giggles, if I don’t get my fix of at least 50 giggles a day I become a dangerous man.

• Year One – This movie is sure to further feed my sick sick addition with Michael Cera.
• The Hurt Locker – Arguably the only legitimate movie I was in the market for.

After filtering through hundreds of pirated American DVD’s I could only find two out of the four. My half ass attempts at lowballing these dirtbags, at a fraction of the market price, were failures forcing me to move on. Before I knew it, close to two hours had gone by and my goal was far from achieved.

My patience was running thin but after thinking of how I would feel post-Michael Cera film, I gathered the motivation to dig down deep into my energy reserves. The pickings were slim seeing as we had visited nearly all of stores, but out of nowhere this one fellow caught my attention. We made eye contact and he spewed out broken English offering me games, DVD’s and CD’s.

The merchant motioned for me to follow him to his co-workers store (all these dudes work in cahoots each managing a couple different shops). I followed the merchant to his other store but as soon as the other owner saw my face I could tell something had gone wrong. I was told to leave.

My luck had run out, with my recently shaved head and unchanged white skin, I was easily remembered as the skinheaded, sleaze-bagging low baller. I somehow managed to get blacklisted from the underground pirated movie hub. I mean that’s talent people, to out slime the skeezies shows some serious tenacity and balls, half you jokers out there couldn’t do what I did.

Through association Arvil was blacklisted but that also might have been attributed to the fact that he low bagged this one dude so badly that even me, the king of the low ballin’ scumbags was surprised by his offer.

Twelve DVD’s for 300 rupees, Arvil pulled an offensive, spinless yet ballsy move and I have to respect him for it.

Although no DVD’s were purchased Arvil did buy:

Rolex – 100 rps – originally: 250 rps.

Shantanaram (novel) – 200 rps – originally:  700 rps.

A strawberry milkshake with whipcream toppings – 80 rps.

Right before he chuggled the shake, Arvil said in a high pitched voice while limping his wrists:

“I am such a bad boy, I shouldn’t”

Best Barber: Harkirishna Gupta

When your payout is the tightest Guido fade imaginable then sometimes it’s worth being cut up by rusty unsterilized razors. Harkrishna Gupta is his name and all day long the Gupster (Goop-ster) hooks brothers up with the fade that’s ganna get you laid. I can’t even count how many times he gave me a tight ceaser dew which resulted in a morning trip to planet parenthood.

Harkrishna Gupta on the job

Guppy (Goop-ey) has been cutting hair ever since he saw Barbershop 2, staring Ice Cube … classic. The Gupster refined his skills at Blaine Beauty School in Waltham, Ma. He graduated second out of his class of 15, edged out by none other than Papa Lote (Grande Ligas – Framingham, MA).

Best Shoe-shiner: Suneet Mehta

Shining shoes aint no walk in the park, the amount of forearm strength required to buff out a pair of alligator oxfords is insurmountable.

Suneets mother was a dirty Mongol and his father was a shiesty shoe salesman who often worked long hours. Their house was constructed solely out of shoeboxes; in fact Suneets crib, as a child, was composed out of an air force one shoe box (white on whites of course).

Suneet the shiner

After watching the Karate Kid on loop for four straight years, little Suneet had perfected the wax on wax off motions. When he hit puberty Suneets forearm strength tripled … for obvious reasons.

He has beaten Mariusz Pudzianowski, Ving Rhames and Sanjays moustche in best of five arm wrestling matches.

To this date, Suneet has yet to have an unsatisfied customer.

Additional info: Suneet moonlights as the owner of a roadside Z-Job factory.

Best Sauce: Dees Ahswhol

Dees Ahswhol sucked at pretty much everything when growing up … completely inadequate at life. He was terrible at basic math, hopeless at making friends and had the tiniest penis. Fortunately he was lucky enough to land a gig clipping Julia Child’s toenails.

The best sauce

While working with Julia he stole one of her famous sauce recipes and moved back to India. Now every day Dees sells roughly 70 gallons of his sauce. He has the tastiest sauce in Delhi, his sauce is so good, the best sauce a man could wish for, you must taste his sauce. His sauce is kept extra warm in his stainless steel canister.

Today is Diwali, it’s the most visibly celebrated holiday in India, representing the victory of good over evil via an insane amounts of fireworks.

Think of it as a crossbreed between Christmas and the 4^th of July. Children are showered with presents and six year old slum children recklessly light off pitakas (fireworks). Kinda like the way overpriced Halloween stores open up every October in the states, here a million different underpriced firework stores pop up around every corner.

Back in the states it would cost you 50 bucks to buy anything that flies up 200 feet, but here I purchased 10 Kaliswari Bullets for 50 rupees (roughly a buck); for under 300 rupees you can get rockets that skyrocket hundreds of feet in the air … dirt cheap.

Tonight as the sun fades, every kid that’s far too young to be lighting off sparklers will be blowing up rockets. Chaotic awesomeness, I plan on blowing up a couple packs of stray dogs, one of Raju mamas servants (he has plenty to spare) and maybe Jeet Sodhi’s roadside banana stand.

Jeet and is nana stand

Arvil, Rithlal and I just went topside to test out a couple rockets. I thought it would be a great idea to strap some Kaliswari bullets to the rockets, increasing our chances of permanent mutilation. Luckily we did not injury ourselves but seeing as the bullets did not blow up until they hit the ground a few hundred yards away, we cannot be positive that there were no casualties.

Tonight Kaku is coming over with another friend who is bringing more explosives to add to our arsenal. We plan on increasing our assets and minimizing our liabilities by having Rithlal do the igniting.

Have you guys ever seen that movie Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 3D? Well what just came out of my ass was kinda like CloudyWith a Chance of Uncooked Foamy Meatballs 4D (shaking and spraying and all).

We just came from Raju Mamas house, he threw an an all night long poker and food party that lasted five hours. Throuhgout our partying we swindled rich people out of hundreds of rupees with our genius 3 card poker playing and stuffed our faces with the dozens of appetizers. Raju had around 5 servants peddling food in and out of the kitchen all night.

Following dinner, I had the sudden urge to shit myself and this almost happened. I begged Arvil to follow me upstairs so that I would have some cover. The last thing I needed was someone to walk into the room and hear the sound of death coming from my ass. After a mean session of sweating, dropping 5 lbs of what looked like Cambells minestrone soup and praying to g-d for this to stop I decided to pack up shop and see if I could hold out. Only one problem, the toilet would not flush. Later on after confessing to Anu Mama that her toilet wouldn’t flush she informed me that it has been broken for a few days. Great, what a nice way to repay someone for inviting me to their house for dinner. I felt like an asshole.

I am now laying next to Arvil consoling him after his horror story of a toilet visit. I hope that I can beat this sickness through falling asleep before I soil the bed sheets.

Some back and forth convo btwn Arvil and I describing life.

“Straight liquid out my butthole son, projectile”

“I felt like it was completly futile to wipe, because I was ganna be back so soon and I was so raw down there”

“Do work”

“You know the feeling like when you can’t tell which hole the waters coming out”

“Machine gun status man”

“Wiping however did salvage whatever human dignity I had left”

Tarps optional

Anyways Arvil decided to work out his tits today, seeing as we do not decide what exercises we perform Arvil asked his trainer. Indian people are naturally touchy feely, (when I sat in on an English class for Munzil within minutes a 17 year old Indian kid, Raju, caressed my legs and then used them as an arm rest). Guy on guy hugs, hand holding and slapfests are huge in India. So as a way for our trainer to gauge what exercises Arvil should perform he gently cupped Arvils tits. He smiled, felt around for a couple seconds and I guess through this hybrid breast exam/2^nd base session our trainer gathered all the data from Arvils tits and knew exactly what gym session was necessary.

Needless to say, Arvils chest is no long small and humble. The kid is sporting a pair of 98% lean Shpuppies. The kids got Rockies.