Zagat: India – The results are in

India’s Zagat street side vendor winners have been announced. Once again theseguysblog.wordpress.com are the first with the results.

Best Barber: Harkirishna Gupta

When your payout is the tightest Guido fade imaginable then sometimes it’s worth being cut up by rusty unsterilized razors. Harkrishna Gupta is his name and all day long the Gupster (Goop-ster) hooks brothers up with the fade that’s ganna get you laid. I can’t even count how many times he gave me a tight ceaser dew which resulted in a morning trip to planet parenthood.

Harkrishna Gupta on the job

Harkrishna Gupta on the job

Guppy (Goop-ey) has been cutting hair ever since he saw Barbershop 2, staring Ice Cube … classic. The Gupster refined his skills at Blaine Beauty School in Waltham, Ma. He graduated second out of his class of 15, edged out by none other than Papa Lote (Grande Ligas – Framingham, MA).

Best Shoe-shiner: Suneet Mehta

Shining shoes aint no walk in the park, the amount of forearm strength required to buff out a pair of alligator oxfords is insurmountable.

Suneets mother was a dirty Mongol and his father was a shiesty shoe salesman who often worked long hours. Their house was constructed solely out of shoeboxes; in fact Suneets crib, as a child, was composed out of an air force one shoe box (white on whites of course).

Suneet the shiner

Suneet the shiner

After watching the Karate Kid on loop for four straight years, little Suneet had perfected the wax on wax off motions. When he hit puberty Suneets forearm strength tripled … for obvious reasons.

He has beaten Mariusz Pudzianowski, Ving Rhames and Sanjays moustche in best of five arm wrestling matches.

To this date, Suneet has yet to have an unsatisfied customer.

Additional info: Suneet moonlights as the owner of a roadside Z-Job factory.

Best Sauce: Dees Ahswhol

Dees Ahswhol sucked at pretty much everything when growing up … completely inadequate at life. He was terrible at basic math, hopeless at making friends and had the tiniest penis. Fortunately he was lucky enough to land a gig clipping Julia Child’s toenails.

The best sauce

The best sauce

While working with Julia he stole one of her famous sauce recipes and moved back to India. Now every day Dees sells roughly 70 gallons of his sauce. He has the tastiest sauce in Delhi, his sauce is so good, the best sauce a man could wish for, you must taste his sauce. His sauce is kept extra warm in his stainless steel canister.

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Diwali – Pitakas in India

Is the year 1935? Did I just get time warped back to the Third Reich? This must be some sort of sick twisted dream … Today when leaving my house I noticed dozens of swastikas lining the stairs of my building. Immediately the Ann Frank in me began looking for an out and I formulated a plan to hide in the attic till shit blew over. I was later reassured that the swastikas hold a religious significance to Hinduism and are common during this seasons headlining holiday.

Today is Diwali, it’s the most visibly celebrated holiday in India, representing the victory of good over evil via an insane amounts of fireworks.

Think of it as a crossbreed between Christmas and the 4th of July. Children are showered with presents and six year old slum children recklessly light off pitakas (fireworks). Kinda like the way overpriced Halloween stores open up every October in the states, here a million different underpriced firework stores pop up around every corner.

Back in the states it would cost you 50 bucks to buy anything that flies up 200 feet, but here I purchased 10 Kaliswari Bullets for 50 rupees (roughly a buck); for under 300 rupees you can get rockets that skyrocket hundreds of feet in the air … dirt cheap.

Tonight as the sun fades, every kid that’s far too young to be lighting off sparklers will be blowing up rockets. Chaotic awesomeness, I plan on blowing up a couple packs of stray dogs, one of Raju mamas servants (he has plenty to spare) and maybe Jeet Sodhi’s roadside banana stand.

Jeet and is nana stand

Jeet and is nana stand

Arvil, Rithlal and I just went topside to test out a couple rockets. I thought it would be a great idea to strap some Kaliswari bullets to the rockets, increasing our chances of permanent mutilation. Luckily we did not injury ourselves but seeing as the bullets did not blow up until they hit the ground a few hundred yards away, we cannot be positive that there were no casualties.

Tonight Kaku is coming over with another friend who is bringing more explosives to add to our arsenal. We plan on increasing our assets and minimizing our liabilities by having Rithlal do the igniting.

Diarrhea in India

Oh man … it has started, bad news folks. Arvil just ran into the bathroom for round 2, I am almost comatose after round 1.

Have you guys ever seen that movie Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 3D? Well what just came out of my ass was kinda like CloudyWith a Chance of Uncooked Foamy Meatballs 4D (shaking and spraying and all).

We just came from Raju Mamas house, he threw an an all night long poker and food party that lasted five hours. Throuhgout our partying we swindled rich people out of hundreds of rupees with our genius 3 card poker playing and stuffed our faces with the dozens of appetizers. Raju had around 5 servants peddling food in and out of the kitchen all night.

Following dinner, I had the sudden urge to shit myself and this almost happened. I begged Arvil to follow me upstairs so that I would have some cover. The last thing I needed was someone to walk into the room and hear the sound of death coming from my ass. After a mean session of sweating, dropping 5 lbs of what looked like Cambells minestrone soup and praying to g-d for this to stop I decided to pack up shop and see if I could hold out. Only one problem, the toilet would not flush. Later on after confessing to Anu Mama that her toilet wouldn’t flush she informed me that it has been broken for a few days. Great, what a nice way to repay someone for inviting me to their house for dinner. I felt like an asshole.

I am now laying next to Arvil consoling him after his horror story of a toilet visit. I hope that I can beat this sickness through falling asleep before I soil the bed sheets.

Some back and forth convo btwn Arvil and I describing life.

“Straight liquid out my butthole son, projectile”

“I felt like it was completly futile to wipe, because I was ganna be back so soon and I was so raw down there”

“Do work”

“You know the feeling like when you can’t tell which hole the waters coming out”

“Machine gun status man”

“Wiping however did salvage whatever human dignity I had left”

Gyms in India

Our first month in India has served as an acclimation period, a way for us to become familiar with Delhi and to learn how to safely navigate this city. One way we chose to kill our downtime was to join a gym, equipped with complimentary trainers. I still don’t know my trainers name but my biceps are peaking at 19 inches and my back doubles as a helicopter landing pad … my guy knows his shit. I had a routine check up yesterday and the doctor suggested I have surgery to remove the two metal horseshoes lodged in my triceps.

Tarps optional

Tarps optional

Anyways Arvil decided to work out his tits today, seeing as we do not decide what exercises we perform Arvil asked his trainer. Indian people are naturally touchy feely, (when I sat in on an English class for Munzil within minutes a 17 year old Indian kid, Raju, caressed my legs and then used them as an arm rest). Guy on guy hugs, hand holding and slapfests are huge in India. So as a way for our trainer to gauge what exercises Arvil should perform he gently cupped Arvils tits. He smiled, felt around for a couple seconds and I guess through this hybrid breast exam/2nd base session our trainer gathered all the data from Arvils tits and knew exactly what gym session was necessary.

Needless to say, Arvils chest is no long small and humble. The kid is sporting a pair of 98% lean Shpuppies. The kids got Rockies.

The Seven Wonders of the World

Ah, the Seven Wonders of the World …

  1. Year One – starring the One
  2. Scarlett Johansson’s inner thighs
  3. The horseshoes stuck in my triceps
  4. The F.U.P.A
  5. Da B’s
  6. A Ford F-150
  7. The Taj Mahal

I saw two of these today – pictured below

What's he smugglin' in that thing?

What's he smugglin' in that thing?

Taj Mahal

Taj Mahal

By the end of my 18 hour journey to the Taj Mahal, I had grown very fond of my newfound friends I met while traveling. They included an Egyptian ophthalmologist, a German strategic marketer, a south Indian actress and two Londoners. All of whom were quirky, full of random knowledge and became my greatest of friends.

The Taj Mahal is truly a beautiful piece of work, it’s presence rivals that of the above mentioned FUPA. Kinda like the way one can become possessed by a FUPA (similar to Frodo’s ring … LOTR) the Taj Mahal grabs your testicles and doesn’t let go. While dozens of people push miniature Taj models and postcards in your face and while others attempt to pickpocket you, one can’t help but to ignore their pathetic pitches and stare blindly at this massive burial site.

Surrounding the base of the Taj, carved out of white marble, are decorative flowers which individually each took roughly 18 hours to complete. There are thousands of these flowers all throughout the Taj … do the math.

Some poor asshole spent more than two weeks carving this

Some poor asshole spent more than two weeks carving this

Costing around 22 crores over 350 years ago, like a trillion dollars now, the Taj Mahal is perfectly symmetrical. It is decorated from top to bottom with floral designs/patterns which display a wide variety of color, but instead of these colors originating from paint they are semi-precious and precious stones. This fact was recited over 15 times from the most incomprehensible, worst conversational English speaking tour guide alive. This was one of the only facts I gathered from him, the rest was mumbled Hinglish. Regardless of the useless tour guide the Taj Mahal is something everyone should see or at least pretend that they have seen. The amount of time, money and engineering put into this building in unfathomable, today over 6,000 people visit the Taj daily and I was one of them.

Slave monkey that danced

Slave monkey that danced

A good reason to be in India

New Delhi:

Delhi weather jpeg

Boston:

boston weather jpeg

Sanjay takes Josh and Arvil to the Delhi Zoo

When children visit the zoo it’s a common to see parents tenderly lifting them to catch a glance at a baby cougar but when you are an adult sometimes you have to settle for your non-English speaking driver to chaperone you through monkey Island and the tiger cages.

Steve Irwin reincarnated

Steve Irwin reincarnated

It appears that Sanjay is no stranger to the zoo, rumor has it he used to live in one. Scientist believes that Sanjay may have once, long ago, been a primate deriving from the chimpanzee family. Evidence suggests that his moustache may be the missing link between man and ape, data gathered today at the New Delhi Zoo further supports this theory.

Sanjay was a huge asset during our trip to the zoo, not only did he guide us straight to all the exotic animals and eagerly point them out, he was extremely talented at communicating with them. I am not sure if he uses these noises to summon his children or if they are an ancient Hindi mating call but at every cage he would start clicking and snapping with his mouth. Sanjay was a natural Dr. Doolittle, persuading everything from monkeys to emus to beautiful desi’s to look his way.

Grand Master Sanjay

Grand Master Sanjay

Arvils stomach pulled a fast one on him half way through the expedition so he walked ahead, leaving Sanjay and I as kings of the jungle. It was a beautiful experience, just me and good ol’ Sanjay, a man of few words but countless clicks. It was an intimate bonding experience, we both took leaks at adjacent piss holes, hollered at the monkeys (he knows the English word) and he even bought me an ice cream cone. What a guy. What a guy.