Tag Archives: hits

Theseguysblog CHALLENGE

Theseguysblog ChallengeHit up Connaught place with a 100 rupee note in hand and come home with the following four DVD’s:

  • Surrogates – B-Weasy acts the shit out of this movie, one of his finest films. The premise revolves around the idea that Bruce buys a bunch of robotic replicas of Bruce … meaning quadruple the Bruces.

  • Land of the Lost – Most people hate Will Ferrell based on the fact that they think too many people like Will Ferrell. Those people are idiots; his shitty movies are guaranteed for 12 giggles at a minimum.
    • Life is all about giggles, if I don’t get my fix of at least 50 giggles a day I become a dangerous man.
  • Year One – This movie is sure to further feed my sick sick addition with Michael Cera.
  • The Hurt Locker – Arguably the only legitimate movie I was in the market for.

After filtering through hundreds of pirated American DVD’s I could only find two out of the four. My half ass attempts at lowballing these dirtbags, at a fraction of the market price, were failures forcing me to move on. Before I knew it, close to two hours had gone by and my goal was far from achieved.

My patience was running thin but after thinking of how I would feel post-Michael Cera film, I gathered the motivation to dig down deep into my energy reserves. The pickings were slim seeing as we had visited nearly all of stores, but out of nowhere this one fellow caught my attention. We made eye contact and he spewed out broken English offering me games, DVD’s and CD’s.

The merchant motioned for me to follow him to his co-workers store (all these dudes work in cahoots each managing a couple different shops). I followed the merchant to his other store but as soon as the other owner saw my face I could tell something had gone wrong. I was told to leave.

My luck had run out, with my recently shaved head and unchanged white skin, I was easily remembered as the skinheaded, sleaze-bagging low baller. I somehow managed to get blacklisted from the underground pirated movie hub. I mean that’s talent people, to out slime the skeezies shows some serious tenacity and balls, half you jokers out there couldn’t do what I did.

Through association Arvil was blacklisted but that also might have been attributed to the fact that he low bagged this one dude so badly that even me, the king of the low ballin’ scumbags was surprised by his offer.

Twelve DVD’s for 300 rupees, Arvil pulled an offensive, spinless yet ballsy move and I have to respect him for it.

Although no DVD’s were purchased Arvil did buy:

Rolex – 100 rps – originally: 250 rps.

Shantanaram (novel) – 200 rps – originally:  700 rps.

A strawberry milkshake with whipcream toppings – 80 rps.

Right before he chuggled the shake, Arvil said in a high pitched voice while limping his wrists:

“I am such a bad boy, I shouldn’t”

Zagat: India – The results are in

India’s Zagat street side vendor winners have been announced. Once again theseguysblog.wordpress.com are the first with the results.

Best Barber: Harkirishna Gupta

When your payout is the tightest Guido fade imaginable then sometimes it’s worth being cut up by rusty unsterilized razors. Harkrishna Gupta is his name and all day long the Gupster (Goop-ster) hooks brothers up with the fade that’s ganna get you laid. I can’t even count how many times he gave me a tight ceaser dew which resulted in a morning trip to planet parenthood.

Harkrishna Gupta on the job

Harkrishna Gupta on the job

Guppy (Goop-ey) has been cutting hair ever since he saw Barbershop 2, staring Ice Cube … classic. The Gupster refined his skills at Blaine Beauty School in Waltham, Ma. He graduated second out of his class of 15, edged out by none other than Papa Lote (Grande Ligas – Framingham, MA).

Best Shoe-shiner: Suneet Mehta

Shining shoes aint no walk in the park, the amount of forearm strength required to buff out a pair of alligator oxfords is insurmountable.

Suneets mother was a dirty Mongol and his father was a shiesty shoe salesman who often worked long hours. Their house was constructed solely out of shoeboxes; in fact Suneets crib, as a child, was composed out of an air force one shoe box (white on whites of course).

Suneet the shiner

Suneet the shiner

After watching the Karate Kid on loop for four straight years, little Suneet had perfected the wax on wax off motions. When he hit puberty Suneets forearm strength tripled … for obvious reasons.

He has beaten Mariusz Pudzianowski, Ving Rhames and Sanjays moustche in best of five arm wrestling matches.

To this date, Suneet has yet to have an unsatisfied customer.

Additional info: Suneet moonlights as the owner of a roadside Z-Job factory.

Best Sauce: Dees Ahswhol

Dees Ahswhol sucked at pretty much everything when growing up … completely inadequate at life. He was terrible at basic math, hopeless at making friends and had the tiniest penis. Fortunately he was lucky enough to land a gig clipping Julia Child’s toenails.

The best sauce

The best sauce

While working with Julia he stole one of her famous sauce recipes and moved back to India. Now every day Dees sells roughly 70 gallons of his sauce. He has the tastiest sauce in Delhi, his sauce is so good, the best sauce a man could wish for, you must taste his sauce. His sauce is kept extra warm in his stainless steel canister.

Diwali – Pitakas in India

Is the year 1935? Did I just get time warped back to the Third Reich? This must be some sort of sick twisted dream … Today when leaving my house I noticed dozens of swastikas lining the stairs of my building. Immediately the Ann Frank in me began looking for an out and I formulated a plan to hide in the attic till shit blew over. I was later reassured that the swastikas hold a religious significance to Hinduism and are common during this seasons headlining holiday.

Today is Diwali, it’s the most visibly celebrated holiday in India, representing the victory of good over evil via an insane amounts of fireworks.

Think of it as a crossbreed between Christmas and the 4th of July. Children are showered with presents and six year old slum children recklessly light off pitakas (fireworks). Kinda like the way overpriced Halloween stores open up every October in the states, here a million different underpriced firework stores pop up around every corner.

Back in the states it would cost you 50 bucks to buy anything that flies up 200 feet, but here I purchased 10 Kaliswari Bullets for 50 rupees (roughly a buck); for under 300 rupees you can get rockets that skyrocket hundreds of feet in the air … dirt cheap.

Tonight as the sun fades, every kid that’s far too young to be lighting off sparklers will be blowing up rockets. Chaotic awesomeness, I plan on blowing up a couple packs of stray dogs, one of Raju mamas servants (he has plenty to spare) and maybe Jeet Sodhi’s roadside banana stand.

Jeet and is nana stand

Jeet and is nana stand

Arvil, Rithlal and I just went topside to test out a couple rockets. I thought it would be a great idea to strap some Kaliswari bullets to the rockets, increasing our chances of permanent mutilation. Luckily we did not injury ourselves but seeing as the bullets did not blow up until they hit the ground a few hundred yards away, we cannot be positive that there were no casualties.

Tonight Kaku is coming over with another friend who is bringing more explosives to add to our arsenal. We plan on increasing our assets and minimizing our liabilities by having Rithlal do the igniting.

Diarrhea in India

Oh man … it has started, bad news folks. Arvil just ran into the bathroom for round 2, I am almost comatose after round 1.

Have you guys ever seen that movie Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 3D? Well what just came out of my ass was kinda like CloudyWith a Chance of Uncooked Foamy Meatballs 4D (shaking and spraying and all).

We just came from Raju Mamas house, he threw an an all night long poker and food party that lasted five hours. Throuhgout our partying we swindled rich people out of hundreds of rupees with our genius 3 card poker playing and stuffed our faces with the dozens of appetizers. Raju had around 5 servants peddling food in and out of the kitchen all night.

Following dinner, I had the sudden urge to shit myself and this almost happened. I begged Arvil to follow me upstairs so that I would have some cover. The last thing I needed was someone to walk into the room and hear the sound of death coming from my ass. After a mean session of sweating, dropping 5 lbs of what looked like Cambells minestrone soup and praying to g-d for this to stop I decided to pack up shop and see if I could hold out. Only one problem, the toilet would not flush. Later on after confessing to Anu Mama that her toilet wouldn’t flush she informed me that it has been broken for a few days. Great, what a nice way to repay someone for inviting me to their house for dinner. I felt like an asshole.

I am now laying next to Arvil consoling him after his horror story of a toilet visit. I hope that I can beat this sickness through falling asleep before I soil the bed sheets.

Some back and forth convo btwn Arvil and I describing life.

“Straight liquid out my butthole son, projectile”

“I felt like it was completly futile to wipe, because I was ganna be back so soon and I was so raw down there”

“Do work”

“You know the feeling like when you can’t tell which hole the waters coming out”

“Machine gun status man”

“Wiping however did salvage whatever human dignity I had left”

Arvil and I head to the salon: manicures & pedicures ensue

Today was rough.  While reading this morning’s Delhi Times Rithlal prepared us omelets, toast and an apple. While picking apart my toast I realized that my fingernails had grown longer than most women’s and the itch in my beard was a clean sign that its mass was capable of handling sub-zero temperatures, so we headed to the local salon.

Arvil and I ordered up a shave followed by a face massage. After looking at a clean shaven Josh in the mirror I felt like a new man, the face message left me feeling like a million crore, but inside my wallet I felt like I could afford more luxurious treatment. A manicure & pedicure are two things I have always been curious about, after being convinced by my barber that it would help with my speed on the frisbee field then it was a clear to me that sacrifices must be made if I want to be the best.

Sitting side by side, Arvil and I ordered a cup of sweet chai as we waited for our royal treatment. From upstairs a 13 year old Indian boy brought down equipment and began to set up shop. Arvil and I joked about how it would be funny if this little kid were actually the professional administrating the mani/pedi.  And it turns out he was, Arvil was rubbed down hard by this 13 year old while I sat there and laughed. My attendant had yet to come down and I was hoping for it to be a girl, but instead a 17 year old wearing imitation designer clothing comes down stairs and started massaging my feet.

After an hour and half of our hands and feet being rubbed down by a couple of teenagers, we scrapped the head massage. We handed the cashier 320 rupees and tipped our barbers. I wouldn’t have traded this experience for anything in the world, after spending a couple hours in that salon I realized that I am not cut out for that kind of luxury.

Sanjay Uncensored – The life of a Delhi driver

For those of you who are new to this blog (500 new readers as of yesterday) I would like to re-introduce to you our driver, Sanjay – at the end of this post is a recap of a day in the life of Sanjay if you are interested.

The heart of Delhi (his counterpart Rithlal is the soul), standing at 5’5, 125 lbs, Sanjay is the proud owner of a well respected ‘stache and a hands free cellphone not to mention he handles the road like Dale Earnhart … Jr.

Before he took Arvil and I around to the Delhi tourist spots today we indulged in a bit of a photo shoot. Usually pictures of this high quality are sought after by such publications as Vanity Fair, The NewYork Times and the Jewish Advocate but of course once again theseguysblog.wordpress.com did not sell out and we were able to provide you with Sanjay photos first.

Additionally, free of charge, I will be providing you with live footage of the Sanjay himself operating a luxury Toyota Corolla.

Sanjay equipped with vehicle

Sanjay equipped with vehicle ... Oh Sanjay, don't worry that grin is not creepy at all!

Sanjay's signature "Blue Steel"

Sanjay's signature "Blue Steel"

Very nice haircut Sanjay!

Wearing the hands free ear piece

2008 Americas Next Top Model runner-up

2008 Americas Next Top Model runner-up

The first ever footage of Sanjay hard at work…enjoy.

Sanjay Schedule

8 am – wake up

8:30 am – Style the ‘stache

9 am – Take uncle to work

9:15 am to 8 pm – absolute jack shit. Sit outside uncle’s office while he is at work. Talk with other drivers. Talk with little kids. Talk with anyone who will entertain him. Take a nap.

8:30 – drop uncle off at home.

Newsfeed:

With every view of this blog post a 100 rupees will be donated to an Indian charity organization that serves as mustache missionaries – spreading mustache awareness.