Tag Archives: marketing

Theseguysblog CHALLENGE

Theseguysblog ChallengeHit up Connaught place with a 100 rupee note in hand and come home with the following four DVD’s:

  • Surrogates – B-Weasy acts the shit out of this movie, one of his finest films. The premise revolves around the idea that Bruce buys a bunch of robotic replicas of Bruce … meaning quadruple the Bruces.

  • Land of the Lost – Most people hate Will Ferrell based on the fact that they think too many people like Will Ferrell. Those people are idiots; his shitty movies are guaranteed for 12 giggles at a minimum.
    • Life is all about giggles, if I don’t get my fix of at least 50 giggles a day I become a dangerous man.
  • Year One – This movie is sure to further feed my sick sick addition with Michael Cera.
  • The Hurt Locker – Arguably the only legitimate movie I was in the market for.

After filtering through hundreds of pirated American DVD’s I could only find two out of the four. My half ass attempts at lowballing these dirtbags, at a fraction of the market price, were failures forcing me to move on. Before I knew it, close to two hours had gone by and my goal was far from achieved.

My patience was running thin but after thinking of how I would feel post-Michael Cera film, I gathered the motivation to dig down deep into my energy reserves. The pickings were slim seeing as we had visited nearly all of stores, but out of nowhere this one fellow caught my attention. We made eye contact and he spewed out broken English offering me games, DVD’s and CD’s.

The merchant motioned for me to follow him to his co-workers store (all these dudes work in cahoots each managing a couple different shops). I followed the merchant to his other store but as soon as the other owner saw my face I could tell something had gone wrong. I was told to leave.

My luck had run out, with my recently shaved head and unchanged white skin, I was easily remembered as the skinheaded, sleaze-bagging low baller. I somehow managed to get blacklisted from the underground pirated movie hub. I mean that’s talent people, to out slime the skeezies shows some serious tenacity and balls, half you jokers out there couldn’t do what I did.

Through association Arvil was blacklisted but that also might have been attributed to the fact that he low bagged this one dude so badly that even me, the king of the low ballin’ scumbags was surprised by his offer.

Twelve DVD’s for 300 rupees, Arvil pulled an offensive, spinless yet ballsy move and I have to respect him for it.

Although no DVD’s were purchased Arvil did buy:

Rolex – 100 rps – originally: 250 rps.

Shantanaram (novel) – 200 rps – originally:  700 rps.

A strawberry milkshake with whipcream toppings – 80 rps.

Right before he chuggled the shake, Arvil said in a high pitched voice while limping his wrists:

“I am such a bad boy, I shouldn’t”

Zagat: India – The results are in

India’s Zagat street side vendor winners have been announced. Once again theseguysblog.wordpress.com are the first with the results.

Best Barber: Harkirishna Gupta

When your payout is the tightest Guido fade imaginable then sometimes it’s worth being cut up by rusty unsterilized razors. Harkrishna Gupta is his name and all day long the Gupster (Goop-ster) hooks brothers up with the fade that’s ganna get you laid. I can’t even count how many times he gave me a tight ceaser dew which resulted in a morning trip to planet parenthood.

Harkrishna Gupta on the job

Harkrishna Gupta on the job

Guppy (Goop-ey) has been cutting hair ever since he saw Barbershop 2, staring Ice Cube … classic. The Gupster refined his skills at Blaine Beauty School in Waltham, Ma. He graduated second out of his class of 15, edged out by none other than Papa Lote (Grande Ligas – Framingham, MA).

Best Shoe-shiner: Suneet Mehta

Shining shoes aint no walk in the park, the amount of forearm strength required to buff out a pair of alligator oxfords is insurmountable.

Suneets mother was a dirty Mongol and his father was a shiesty shoe salesman who often worked long hours. Their house was constructed solely out of shoeboxes; in fact Suneets crib, as a child, was composed out of an air force one shoe box (white on whites of course).

Suneet the shiner

Suneet the shiner

After watching the Karate Kid on loop for four straight years, little Suneet had perfected the wax on wax off motions. When he hit puberty Suneets forearm strength tripled … for obvious reasons.

He has beaten Mariusz Pudzianowski, Ving Rhames and Sanjays moustche in best of five arm wrestling matches.

To this date, Suneet has yet to have an unsatisfied customer.

Additional info: Suneet moonlights as the owner of a roadside Z-Job factory.

Best Sauce: Dees Ahswhol

Dees Ahswhol sucked at pretty much everything when growing up … completely inadequate at life. He was terrible at basic math, hopeless at making friends and had the tiniest penis. Fortunately he was lucky enough to land a gig clipping Julia Child’s toenails.

The best sauce

The best sauce

While working with Julia he stole one of her famous sauce recipes and moved back to India. Now every day Dees sells roughly 70 gallons of his sauce. He has the tastiest sauce in Delhi, his sauce is so good, the best sauce a man could wish for, you must taste his sauce. His sauce is kept extra warm in his stainless steel canister.

Diwali – Pitakas in India

Is the year 1935? Did I just get time warped back to the Third Reich? This must be some sort of sick twisted dream … Today when leaving my house I noticed dozens of swastikas lining the stairs of my building. Immediately the Ann Frank in me began looking for an out and I formulated a plan to hide in the attic till shit blew over. I was later reassured that the swastikas hold a religious significance to Hinduism and are common during this seasons headlining holiday.

Today is Diwali, it’s the most visibly celebrated holiday in India, representing the victory of good over evil via an insane amounts of fireworks.

Think of it as a crossbreed between Christmas and the 4th of July. Children are showered with presents and six year old slum children recklessly light off pitakas (fireworks). Kinda like the way overpriced Halloween stores open up every October in the states, here a million different underpriced firework stores pop up around every corner.

Back in the states it would cost you 50 bucks to buy anything that flies up 200 feet, but here I purchased 10 Kaliswari Bullets for 50 rupees (roughly a buck); for under 300 rupees you can get rockets that skyrocket hundreds of feet in the air … dirt cheap.

Tonight as the sun fades, every kid that’s far too young to be lighting off sparklers will be blowing up rockets. Chaotic awesomeness, I plan on blowing up a couple packs of stray dogs, one of Raju mamas servants (he has plenty to spare) and maybe Jeet Sodhi’s roadside banana stand.

Jeet and is nana stand

Jeet and is nana stand

Arvil, Rithlal and I just went topside to test out a couple rockets. I thought it would be a great idea to strap some Kaliswari bullets to the rockets, increasing our chances of permanent mutilation. Luckily we did not injury ourselves but seeing as the bullets did not blow up until they hit the ground a few hundred yards away, we cannot be positive that there were no casualties.

Tonight Kaku is coming over with another friend who is bringing more explosives to add to our arsenal. We plan on increasing our assets and minimizing our liabilities by having Rithlal do the igniting.

Sanjay takes Josh and Arvil to the Delhi Zoo

When children visit the zoo it’s a common to see parents tenderly lifting them to catch a glance at a baby cougar but when you are an adult sometimes you have to settle for your non-English speaking driver to chaperone you through monkey Island and the tiger cages.

Steve Irwin reincarnated

Steve Irwin reincarnated

It appears that Sanjay is no stranger to the zoo, rumor has it he used to live in one. Scientist believes that Sanjay may have once, long ago, been a primate deriving from the chimpanzee family. Evidence suggests that his moustache may be the missing link between man and ape, data gathered today at the New Delhi Zoo further supports this theory.

Sanjay was a huge asset during our trip to the zoo, not only did he guide us straight to all the exotic animals and eagerly point them out, he was extremely talented at communicating with them. I am not sure if he uses these noises to summon his children or if they are an ancient Hindi mating call but at every cage he would start clicking and snapping with his mouth. Sanjay was a natural Dr. Doolittle, persuading everything from monkeys to emus to beautiful desi’s to look his way.

Grand Master Sanjay

Grand Master Sanjay

Arvils stomach pulled a fast one on him half way through the expedition so he walked ahead, leaving Sanjay and I as kings of the jungle. It was a beautiful experience, just me and good ol’ Sanjay, a man of few words but countless clicks. It was an intimate bonding experience, we both took leaks at adjacent piss holes, hollered at the monkeys (he knows the English word) and he even bought me an ice cream cone. What a guy. What a guy.

Gambling in India

Last night was a mess; I vaguely remember eating five samosas, half dozen chicken wings and easily a pound of potatoes and paneer all before dinner. It was a cool Sunday evening, Uncle and Massi invited over a couple of their friends for a pleasant session of rooftop knoshing and gambling.

Although we were sitting at a table with a man worth well over 500 crores (he owns mattress factories all over India) each player shelled out only a couple thousand rupees. Before our Vegas-style dinner fiasco Arvil and I small talked with our guests on an eclectic range of topics. After revealing to our guests that we were from Framingham, the millionaire instantly expressed his affection for the Natick Collection and its surrounding stores, specifically Bed Bath and Beyond. Now every kid knows that it’s funny to pretend that you enjoy shopping at BB&B but when you come across someone who isn’t a complete uterus and still wets themselves over BB&B’s selection of shower curtains and bath towels, it’s quiet hysterical.

Afterwards, this one man began to tell an epic tale of how he almost guessed four out of four vodka flavorings at a Greygoose distillery tour, but failed to win the prize. His wife chimed in adding how difficult it was. Little did this man know that another guest of Anil Uncle was once reigning champion at a vodka taste testing, guessing correctly 16 vodkas. His wife threw in her two cents recounting the magic.

Right before the three card poker started, I remembered that all my money was tied up in the financing of eight luxury hotels, penny stocks, child support payments and my second wife’s new boob job. Fortunately Raju mama was sensitive to my situation and spotted Arvil and I a couple thousand rupees.

The style of three card poker which they played involves the dealer making up a new rule each hand. Regardless of being confused about each respective game Arvil and I decided to bet erratically. Four hours later, without any breaks, we were down a lot and had to borrow from Raju again. It was around 1 in the morning, I was ready to tap out and Didi Massi halted our pathetic attempt at winning money for more food. I blindly ate a plate full of random Indian food, threw down some ice cream and hit the pillow.

Police brutality in India

Auto rickshaw drivers barely make enough to afford a can of beans, which means that if you’re a professional manual rickshaw driver then you probably can only afford a lentil. Also it would be safe to assume that one slip/accident/robbery could set you back months.

On our way to Red Fort (a monster of a palace built in 1638 by the Mughal Empire), Arvil and I witnessed hardcore police brutality. This was straight WWE status; imagine Andre the Giant versus four of the scrappiest rickshaw drivers in Delhi, all weighing in under a buck.

Red Fort

Red Fort

Apparently rickshaw drivers are not supposed to set up shop right outside the entrance of Red Fort, where the majority of tourist traffic flow occurs. But seeing as this is India and traffic/parking rules are ignored nationwide these drivers parked there anyways.

The governments solution to handling these unruly drivers and their illegal parking habits … they hired this man.

Boss-Man

Boss-Man

If an American officer of the law were to act at even a fraction of this man’s madness then a minimum of five years D-Block would ensue. But here in India, from the looks of it, law enforcement enjoys kicking ass without taken names. The only citation this poor shmuck received was a broken axel and a couple swift elbow drops to the face. Seriously, this Boss-Man smashed four rickshaws while elbowing the drivers who tried to stop him.

The gun & stick are purely for show

The gun & stick are purely for show

Introducing…

Yep, that’s right you yuppies, what’s that masterpiece chilln’ on my upper lip … looks like something Michelangelo sculpted huh. That ain’t no Photoshop, that ‘stache is legit.

Moustache ride, 10 cent.

Moustache ride, 10 cent.

Mustachioed Josh

My moustache loves reading.

I don’t know what it is about owning your own ‘stach, but let me tell you, it feels great. Just look at that thing, makes you want to hit somebody.

What is he pointing at? Irrelevant, just look at that 'stache.

What is he pointing at? Irrelevant, just look at that 'stache.

Makes you think “There is a g-d”. Magnificent. Well done boys.

Is that not close enough for you?

Pure authority

BOOM!

There you have it, they have arrived. Arvil and Josh have acquired the two most glorious mustaches on earth. These shpuppies practically pay for themselves. After 1,000 elephants and 2,500 camels hauled in the essential ‘stache supplies and Rithlals entire extended family labored non-stop for three months, (with only two 15 minute breaks per day/no overtime/working for 7 rupees per hour/22 hour days) the ‘staches were eventually styled to perfection.

So, what would happen if we were to somehow multiply our ‘staches?

These four are ready to take over the world, one ‘stache a time. A full length feature film is in the pre-production phases with Warner Bros. starring Sanjay as the girthy boss-man of the group. Josh will play the loose cannon of the group, whose French mustache is a raging alcoholic with a gambling addiction. Rithlal as the wise, right hand man, whose mustache has seen many battles. And Arvil as the protégé whose potential is unlimited, his ability to grow unparalleled.

Arvil and I go on a Bender – Indian Bargaining at Connaught Place

What started out as a low key trip to Café  Coffee Day (the Starbucks of India) for some Darjeeling tea ended up as a free for all bargaining bender.

Cafe Coffee Day

Cafe Coffee Day

Preface: In Dharmasala one night Arvil and I were enjoying this amazing Oscar hopeful of a movie, Jumper. Thirty minutes in we had to abandon its captivating plot and top-tier acting, headlined by a blond haired Samuel L. Jackson. Arvil was hooked; he needed know how the film played out … the emptiness he felt resulted in the kid peeling away at his own skin. In India, the one cesspool vast enough in shitty pirated movies i.e. Jumper, for a price of roughly $1, is Connaught Place and this is where we headed.

Sammy L - Jumper

Sammy L - Jumper

We snagged a rickshaw; guaranteed ourselves a 100 rupee ride, and headed off on a shopping trip reminiscent of the benders my mom endures when she hits up the local TJ Max. Around half way to Connaught Place we were caught by a red light. At most major intersections there are gangs of slum children peddling garbage magazines for 50 rupees a piece and since we were exposed in a rickshaw and I am a cracker-ass white boy there was no hope. Within seconds Arvil and I were gangbanged by five slum children all pushing People Magazine in our faces.

Saying “No thanks” or “I already have all of those magazines” was ineffective. We have experienced the wrath of these mobile magazine stands previously, but it was at this moment when I had an epiphany. I conjured up a strategy so diabolical, so ingenious, so cutting edge that I knew it would ward away these beggars.

I introduce to you the fake cell phone call; it worked so well that I am confident there is plenty of business potential behind this progressive tactic. Basically all you have to do is hold up a fake cell phone to your ear and pretend to sell junk bonds, penny stocks and yell incoherent American slang into your hand fashioned as a phone. I am not sure whether it worked because they actually thought I was on the phone or because they thought I was crazy but I really didn’t care.

Upon our arrival to Connaught place we were greeted by two young Indian boys offering us rickshaw rides, we explained to them that we were strictly in the market for DVD’s and their eyes lit up. We followed them down a set of stairs into a sketchy corridor lined with stores on both sides all selling the same exact crap … pirated DVDs and video games. We thought we hit the jackpot and for most people this probably was the mother-load, but as soon as this kid started asking me “You want to jiggy jiggy movies?” I knew that we had just walked into the largest underground Bollywood porno shopping center in Delhi.

Connaught Placce - Palika Bazar - The underground shopping center

Connaught Placce - Palika Bazar - The underground shopping center

Long story short, we ended up finding the actually shopping center and hard bargained for a couple hours. This underground shopping mall was filled with hundreds of identical stores all selling the same pirated electronics and every fake brand named shirt imaginable … this is a common theme throughout Delhi.

Between Arvil and I we made out with:

  • 2 PC video games
    • Fifa 2010 (which turns out is Fifa 2009)
    • The Ashes 2009, it’s a cricket game (Haven’t played it yet but its probably The Ashes 2008)
  • Seven DVDs
    • Jumper – Arvil nearly spooged himself
    • No Country For Old Men
    • There Will Be Blood
    • 10,000 B.C
    • Away We Go
      • The only explanation for Jims (the office) greatness is that he must be Michael Cera’s love child
    • Transformers  2 – We just tested it out and its of hand camera quality
    • District 9 – Christopher Johnson is the man
  • A 250 GB flash Drive (one of two potential suspects for who gave Arvil trogan viruses after he put it in his computer)
    • Initially the merchants were selling this for 1,500 hundred rupees but Arvil was able to haggle his way down to less than a third of that price.
  • A UK Punjabi Club DJ mix CD – 150 songs (the latter suspect for who destroyed Arvils computer)
  • A sweet hipster T-Shirt of the outline of India in green, orange and white with the small type words “I ❤ India”

    All of this is easily valued over hundreds of dollars … standard greenbacks. Arvils stone-cold bargaining tactics added with my ruthless Jewish heritage ended up being a lethal combination. We paid roughly 900 rupees total, roughly $18. Even though the flash drive/Punjabi mix might have temporarily bamboozled Arvils computer, I think we made out alright.

    Bathrooms in India

    Below is a picture of a typical bathroom in India. When you are provided with an actual toilet complimented with a sink, then you’ve stuck gold. Usually there is a hole in the ground and a bucket filled with water, I still have no idea how to go about using the two effectively without smearing feces everywhere.

    What is even more unlikely when using bathrooms here is when you find a restaurant/store that offers toilet paper, when this rarity occurs you have to look twice because usually its to good to be true. Socks, t-shirts and the Delhi Times doubles as half-decent TP.

    Typical Indian bathroom

    Typical Indian bathroom

    Arvil has been bedridden for the past couple days; his childish immune system couldn’t handle the likes of Rithlals five star chef skills. Surprisingly enough my stomach has held strong … so far. I am writing this in hopes that my words come back to haunt me, I want my inevitably sickness to arrive already. I want a couple ruthless back to back sessions followed by temporarily being crippled.

    You may be confused on why I am wishing for warm foaminess to dribble down my leg but you must understand that this sickness is guaranteed and the sooner I get it over with the sooner I can continue my travels. Last thing I want is to be stuck on a 3rd class train with no bathroom or like a hole in the ground and all a sudden my stomach is ready to shit bricks, which are still in the molten state.

    I have contemplated eating at a road side food stand (garmented squirts) or licking the bottom of Sanjays feet (he drives barefoot) but have yet to build up the courage to do either.

    Stinky ... niice!

    Stinky ... niice!

    Bro’s

    DSC_0095

    Sometimes you will see 2 or 3 dudes walking down the street, holding hands. If you were in America, you would most likely stare, laugh, and then throw rocks at them, because god doesn’t like gays.

    In India, homosexuality is a taboo subject. It is rarely discussed, and until a few months ago, it was completely illegal to have homosexual intercourse. So when you see guys holding hands, it would be like if you put your arm around your buddy, or when you slap a guy’s ass while playing sports. There’s nothing like a good ass slap for a job well done.