Tag Archives: Michael Cera

Theseguysblog CHALLENGE

Theseguysblog ChallengeHit up Connaught place with a 100 rupee note in hand and come home with the following four DVD’s:

  • Surrogates – B-Weasy acts the shit out of this movie, one of his finest films. The premise revolves around the idea that Bruce buys a bunch of robotic replicas of Bruce … meaning quadruple the Bruces.

  • Land of the Lost – Most people hate Will Ferrell based on the fact that they think too many people like Will Ferrell. Those people are idiots; his shitty movies are guaranteed for 12 giggles at a minimum.
    • Life is all about giggles, if I don’t get my fix of at least 50 giggles a day I become a dangerous man.
  • Year One – This movie is sure to further feed my sick sick addition with Michael Cera.
  • The Hurt Locker – Arguably the only legitimate movie I was in the market for.

After filtering through hundreds of pirated American DVD’s I could only find two out of the four. My half ass attempts at lowballing these dirtbags, at a fraction of the market price, were failures forcing me to move on. Before I knew it, close to two hours had gone by and my goal was far from achieved.

My patience was running thin but after thinking of how I would feel post-Michael Cera film, I gathered the motivation to dig down deep into my energy reserves. The pickings were slim seeing as we had visited nearly all of stores, but out of nowhere this one fellow caught my attention. We made eye contact and he spewed out broken English offering me games, DVD’s and CD’s.

The merchant motioned for me to follow him to his co-workers store (all these dudes work in cahoots each managing a couple different shops). I followed the merchant to his other store but as soon as the other owner saw my face I could tell something had gone wrong. I was told to leave.

My luck had run out, with my recently shaved head and unchanged white skin, I was easily remembered as the skinheaded, sleaze-bagging low baller. I somehow managed to get blacklisted from the underground pirated movie hub. I mean that’s talent people, to out slime the skeezies shows some serious tenacity and balls, half you jokers out there couldn’t do what I did.

Through association Arvil was blacklisted but that also might have been attributed to the fact that he low bagged this one dude so badly that even me, the king of the low ballin’ scumbags was surprised by his offer.

Twelve DVD’s for 300 rupees, Arvil pulled an offensive, spinless yet ballsy move and I have to respect him for it.

Although no DVD’s were purchased Arvil did buy:

Rolex – 100 rps – originally: 250 rps.

Shantanaram (novel) – 200 rps – originally:  700 rps.

A strawberry milkshake with whipcream toppings – 80 rps.

Right before he chuggled the shake, Arvil said in a high pitched voice while limping his wrists:

“I am such a bad boy, I shouldn’t”

Zagat: India – The results are in

India’s Zagat street side vendor winners have been announced. Once again theseguysblog.wordpress.com are the first with the results.

Best Barber: Harkirishna Gupta

When your payout is the tightest Guido fade imaginable then sometimes it’s worth being cut up by rusty unsterilized razors. Harkrishna Gupta is his name and all day long the Gupster (Goop-ster) hooks brothers up with the fade that’s ganna get you laid. I can’t even count how many times he gave me a tight ceaser dew which resulted in a morning trip to planet parenthood.

Harkrishna Gupta on the job

Harkrishna Gupta on the job

Guppy (Goop-ey) has been cutting hair ever since he saw Barbershop 2, staring Ice Cube … classic. The Gupster refined his skills at Blaine Beauty School in Waltham, Ma. He graduated second out of his class of 15, edged out by none other than Papa Lote (Grande Ligas – Framingham, MA).

Best Shoe-shiner: Suneet Mehta

Shining shoes aint no walk in the park, the amount of forearm strength required to buff out a pair of alligator oxfords is insurmountable.

Suneets mother was a dirty Mongol and his father was a shiesty shoe salesman who often worked long hours. Their house was constructed solely out of shoeboxes; in fact Suneets crib, as a child, was composed out of an air force one shoe box (white on whites of course).

Suneet the shiner

Suneet the shiner

After watching the Karate Kid on loop for four straight years, little Suneet had perfected the wax on wax off motions. When he hit puberty Suneets forearm strength tripled … for obvious reasons.

He has beaten Mariusz Pudzianowski, Ving Rhames and Sanjays moustche in best of five arm wrestling matches.

To this date, Suneet has yet to have an unsatisfied customer.

Additional info: Suneet moonlights as the owner of a roadside Z-Job factory.

Best Sauce: Dees Ahswhol

Dees Ahswhol sucked at pretty much everything when growing up … completely inadequate at life. He was terrible at basic math, hopeless at making friends and had the tiniest penis. Fortunately he was lucky enough to land a gig clipping Julia Child’s toenails.

The best sauce

The best sauce

While working with Julia he stole one of her famous sauce recipes and moved back to India. Now every day Dees sells roughly 70 gallons of his sauce. He has the tastiest sauce in Delhi, his sauce is so good, the best sauce a man could wish for, you must taste his sauce. His sauce is kept extra warm in his stainless steel canister.

Diwali – Pitakas in India

Is the year 1935? Did I just get time warped back to the Third Reich? This must be some sort of sick twisted dream … Today when leaving my house I noticed dozens of swastikas lining the stairs of my building. Immediately the Ann Frank in me began looking for an out and I formulated a plan to hide in the attic till shit blew over. I was later reassured that the swastikas hold a religious significance to Hinduism and are common during this seasons headlining holiday.

Today is Diwali, it’s the most visibly celebrated holiday in India, representing the victory of good over evil via an insane amounts of fireworks.

Think of it as a crossbreed between Christmas and the 4th of July. Children are showered with presents and six year old slum children recklessly light off pitakas (fireworks). Kinda like the way overpriced Halloween stores open up every October in the states, here a million different underpriced firework stores pop up around every corner.

Back in the states it would cost you 50 bucks to buy anything that flies up 200 feet, but here I purchased 10 Kaliswari Bullets for 50 rupees (roughly a buck); for under 300 rupees you can get rockets that skyrocket hundreds of feet in the air … dirt cheap.

Tonight as the sun fades, every kid that’s far too young to be lighting off sparklers will be blowing up rockets. Chaotic awesomeness, I plan on blowing up a couple packs of stray dogs, one of Raju mamas servants (he has plenty to spare) and maybe Jeet Sodhi’s roadside banana stand.

Jeet and is nana stand

Jeet and is nana stand

Arvil, Rithlal and I just went topside to test out a couple rockets. I thought it would be a great idea to strap some Kaliswari bullets to the rockets, increasing our chances of permanent mutilation. Luckily we did not injury ourselves but seeing as the bullets did not blow up until they hit the ground a few hundred yards away, we cannot be positive that there were no casualties.

Tonight Kaku is coming over with another friend who is bringing more explosives to add to our arsenal. We plan on increasing our assets and minimizing our liabilities by having Rithlal do the igniting.

Diarrhea in India

Oh man … it has started, bad news folks. Arvil just ran into the bathroom for round 2, I am almost comatose after round 1.

Have you guys ever seen that movie Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs 3D? Well what just came out of my ass was kinda like CloudyWith a Chance of Uncooked Foamy Meatballs 4D (shaking and spraying and all).

We just came from Raju Mamas house, he threw an an all night long poker and food party that lasted five hours. Throuhgout our partying we swindled rich people out of hundreds of rupees with our genius 3 card poker playing and stuffed our faces with the dozens of appetizers. Raju had around 5 servants peddling food in and out of the kitchen all night.

Following dinner, I had the sudden urge to shit myself and this almost happened. I begged Arvil to follow me upstairs so that I would have some cover. The last thing I needed was someone to walk into the room and hear the sound of death coming from my ass. After a mean session of sweating, dropping 5 lbs of what looked like Cambells minestrone soup and praying to g-d for this to stop I decided to pack up shop and see if I could hold out. Only one problem, the toilet would not flush. Later on after confessing to Anu Mama that her toilet wouldn’t flush she informed me that it has been broken for a few days. Great, what a nice way to repay someone for inviting me to their house for dinner. I felt like an asshole.

I am now laying next to Arvil consoling him after his horror story of a toilet visit. I hope that I can beat this sickness through falling asleep before I soil the bed sheets.

Some back and forth convo btwn Arvil and I describing life.

“Straight liquid out my butthole son, projectile”

“I felt like it was completly futile to wipe, because I was ganna be back so soon and I was so raw down there”

“Do work”

“You know the feeling like when you can’t tell which hole the waters coming out”

“Machine gun status man”

“Wiping however did salvage whatever human dignity I had left”

Gyms in India

Our first month in India has served as an acclimation period, a way for us to become familiar with Delhi and to learn how to safely navigate this city. One way we chose to kill our downtime was to join a gym, equipped with complimentary trainers. I still don’t know my trainers name but my biceps are peaking at 19 inches and my back doubles as a helicopter landing pad … my guy knows his shit. I had a routine check up yesterday and the doctor suggested I have surgery to remove the two metal horseshoes lodged in my triceps.

Tarps optional

Tarps optional

Anyways Arvil decided to work out his tits today, seeing as we do not decide what exercises we perform Arvil asked his trainer. Indian people are naturally touchy feely, (when I sat in on an English class for Munzil within minutes a 17 year old Indian kid, Raju, caressed my legs and then used them as an arm rest). Guy on guy hugs, hand holding and slapfests are huge in India. So as a way for our trainer to gauge what exercises Arvil should perform he gently cupped Arvils tits. He smiled, felt around for a couple seconds and I guess through this hybrid breast exam/2nd base session our trainer gathered all the data from Arvils tits and knew exactly what gym session was necessary.

Needless to say, Arvils chest is no long small and humble. The kid is sporting a pair of 98% lean Shpuppies. The kids got Rockies.

The Great Debate

Jay Sean, Rishi Rich & Juggy D

Here in India music is inescapable, Hindi chants projected over loud speakers wake you up in the morning, drivers bump tracks laced in a sitar during the day and whistle blowing night guards hold a steady beat throughout the night.

Although there are masses of Indian music stars, one man stands out ahead of the rest.

R&B singer Jay Sean, real name Kamaljit Singh Jhooti, made it mega in the states with his hit song “Down” ft. Lil Wayne, but this Punjabi native is like the “Michael Jackson” here in India. Jay Sean sells out the largest of stadiums, has every other teenager wearing Jay Sean t-shirts, fans ink tatoos of his face on their face and his music monopolizes almost every radio station (with a Jay Sean to other music ratio of 2:1).

Jay Sean

Jay Sean

His hit song “Dance With You” has been topping the charts since September 2003 beating out his previous single “I Got My Eyes On You” which was a #1 for four years.

Josh is a Baby, Modeling, and Indian Fashion

As Josh told you, we went to go play frisbee. What he didn’t tell you was that he lasted about 2 minutes on the field. As he was getting dominated up and down the field by Bruce 1 and 2, he managed to roll his ankle. I came off to console him, and to give him a tissue to wipe his tears. That’s what good friends do.

Frisbee isn’t for everyone, as the physicality can sometimes overwhelm those who are not athletic. Especially in a game like Delhi pickup, where the players are composed of old fat guys (tie-dye bandana included), 7 yr old girls, a kid with only 2 fingers on each hand, and Michael Cera, things can get intense! Josh falls into this category, but he gets an A for effort. He is used to playing games primarily for little girls and Canadians, badminton and hockey.

Indians have a great sense of style when it comes to athletics. They combine practicality with a strong, always present desire to look good. At our pickup game, there are probably 10-15 spectators at each game. I think the appeal is two-fold. 1. White people. 2. We are playing a crazy sport they have never seen.

Here is an example of some typical athletic wear. These guys were just watching us play, and wanted to borrow a frisbee to mess around with. Gucci sandals, Ed Hardy button downs, and Armani jeans, these guys are ready to play hard on the field and party hard in the club.

Indians playing B

We also met my cousin Kaku today. He is on my dad’s side, and is the cousin who is closest in age to me. When we were younger, our sole activities were lighting firecrackers, and playing video games. We would sometimes throw firecrackers at pigs, which is funny.

He is a male model. Often in this blog, we joke, we kid, we tell complete lies. This is not a lie. He has modeled on the side for Kingfisher and Armani. He has “walked the ramp” as they call it here and has done runway modeling. He is a god. The industry is cutthroat. Billions go in, only a few come out. I’ve introduced Kaku to Rithlal, who will be mentoring him as he attempts his navigate his way to the top.



Anil uncle was wearing a polo shirt today. They have enlarged the little horse to a big horse because sometimes its tough to recognize that it is a polo shirt. Also, if you are behind Anil uncle, you will be completely unaware of the brand of his polo. Ralph Lauren himself devised a solution.


Intent to Pop

Intent to Pop

His ring tone is Encore by Jay-Z and Linkin Park. He has never listened to rap music in his entire life. When I asked him where he got it, he said, “This is a very popular Dominican song that my Dominican friend put on for me. It’s very popular over there.”

I like pointing out to Josh whenever there are white people in India. He gets so much attention, I thought diverting it to the others would be good idea.

Meet the Bruces – Ultimate Frisbee Session

Ultimate (OLLL-TEA-MIT) Frisbee … the most hardcore action sport played in the world.

Arvil, being the Ultimate enthusiast that he is, had contacted the New Delhi Frisbee Group (NDFG) well before we had arrived. For those of you who are unaware theseguysblog.wordpress.com’s Arvil, (#7, 5’10 ft., 150 lbs, position – handler: stats), was Captain of Emory University’s Ultimate Frisbee team. Although his collegiate career is now defunct his passion for the game continues to grow.

Arvil takes the field

Arvil takes the field

It turns out that our driver Sanjay’s mustache was on vacation so we had Shoorvir (Raju mama’s servant) take us to Nehru Park.

Shortly after entering the park I spotted the most densely populated area of white people. I was immediately convinced that this is the New Delhi Frisbee group, what other sport would force a congregation of this many Caucasians?

We introduce ourselves to these dirty hippies and lace up our shoes. Frisbee is new to me and apparently the learning curve is immeasurable, on average it takes the a respectable athlete a few years to master the flick, hammer or backhand. Naturally the typical “Where are you from?” “What do you do?” conversation ensues. Little did I know that I had just entered a circle of the most remarkable human beings alive.

Meet Bruce

Government name: Troy

He is married, has two kids and is the heart and soul of the New Delhi Frisbee Group. His goatee’s exceptional organizational skills are responsible for this rendezvous and has enrolled the NDFG in a Frisbee Chennai tournament, scheduled for next week.



Arvil and Bruce were well acquainted by the Frisbee sessions end as Bruce was not shy when calling fouls. Granted maybe Arvil was out of bounds, maybe Arvil did roughhouse the one girl who was playing with us and maybe Arvil did get stripped on the disputed touchdown but regardless this was a leisurely game of pickup Frisbee and the ambiguous calls were not merited.

After the game Bruce approaches Arvil. Just pictuire it … Ba-Ruce and Nagpal , toe to toe.

“Hey man, after thinking about it for a bit, that probably wasn’t a foul, sorry bud, no hard feelings?”

I was floored, speechless and I think I shitted myself.

A real stand up guy, Bruce knows when he has done wrong, a genuine apology for sure mended any animosity Arvil felt towards him and a lifelong friendship is guaranteed to result.

Meet Bruce #2

Government name: Danny

This specimen was obviously chiseled out of diamonds, and then laced in sex appeal. Ethnically a Viking from Scandinavia but I am speculating that his calves were probably imported from some high tech government lab. Look at those things.

Bruce #2

Bruce #2

Close up of Bruces' calves

Close up of Bruces' calves

I’ve never seen a man this size go so hard at anything, he lays out, slings at nearly 90 mph. and his long hair grows at the rate 3 ipd (inches per day).

Bruce #2 told me he worked in the Private Sector, whatever the fuck that means, but we all know that what Bruce #2 does for a living is tow oxen. When he is not lugging around ox he plows … If Bruce #2 ever had enough money to buy a car he would purchase a Ford F 350, but Bruce # 2 chooses to spend is equity on gym memberships.

Dinner at Raju mamas house

Last night we went to Raju mama and Anu mamis house. When we arrived Arvil and I were immediately showered with beer and whiskey. Four of Raju mamas servants were slaving hard in the kitchen, no pun intended, preparing endless rounds of appetizers. By the time dinner was served I had eaten five or six different appetizers and had a couple beers. However Raju mama insisted that I finish two more beers before I began my dinner. I had woken up at 6 that morning, adventured all day, played Frisbee for two hours and as a result I could barely keep my eyes open.

At the pace I was drinking the Carlsbergs would never go all the way down. Raju mama had a solution; he walks me over to his fully stocked bar and pours vodka in my beer bottle. Nothing wakes you up like vodka and a pilsner. Shortly afterwards while struggling with my last beer Raju mama adds some coke to my beer. I am unsure of where Raju mama went to bartending school, but his style is unique and I am grateful for his hospitality.