Ultimate (OLLL-TEA-MIT) Frisbee … the most hardcore action sport played in the world.
Arvil, being the Ultimate enthusiast that he is, had contacted the New Delhi Frisbee Group (NDFG) well before we had arrived. For those of you who are unaware theseguysblog.wordpress.com’s Arvil, (#7, 5’10 ft., 150 lbs, position – handler: stats), was Captain of Emory University’s Ultimate Frisbee team. Although his collegiate career is now defunct his passion for the game continues to grow.
It turns out that our driver Sanjay’s mustache was on vacation so we had Shoorvir (Raju mama’s servant) take us to Nehru Park.
Shortly after entering the park I spotted the most densely populated area of white people. I was immediately convinced that this is the New Delhi Frisbee group, what other sport would force a congregation of this many Caucasians?
We introduce ourselves to these dirty hippies and lace up our shoes. Frisbee is new to me and apparently the learning curve is immeasurable, on average it takes the a respectable athlete a few years to master the flick, hammer or backhand. Naturally the typical “Where are you from?” “What do you do?” conversation ensues. Little did I know that I had just entered a circle of the most remarkable human beings alive.
Government name: Troy
He is married, has two kids and is the heart and soul of the New Delhi Frisbee Group. His goatee’s exceptional organizational skills are responsible for this rendezvous and has enrolled the NDFG in a Frisbee Chennai tournament, scheduled for next week.
Arvil and Bruce were well acquainted by the Frisbee sessions end as Bruce was not shy when calling fouls. Granted maybe Arvil was out of bounds, maybe Arvil did roughhouse the one girl who was playing with us and maybe Arvil did get stripped on the disputed touchdown but regardless this was a leisurely game of pickup Frisbee and the ambiguous calls were not merited.
After the game Bruce approaches Arvil. Just pictuire it … Ba-Ruce and Nagpal , toe to toe.
“Hey man, after thinking about it for a bit, that probably wasn’t a foul, sorry bud, no hard feelings?”
I was floored, speechless and I think I shitted myself.
A real stand up guy, Bruce knows when he has done wrong, a genuine apology for sure mended any animosity Arvil felt towards him and a lifelong friendship is guaranteed to result.
Meet Bruce #2
Government name: Danny
This specimen was obviously chiseled out of diamonds, and then laced in sex appeal. Ethnically a Viking from Scandinavia but I am speculating that his calves were probably imported from some high tech government lab. Look at those things.
I’ve never seen a man this size go so hard at anything, he lays out, slings at nearly 90 mph. and his long hair grows at the rate 3 ipd (inches per day).
Bruce #2 told me he worked in the Private Sector, whatever the fuck that means, but we all know that what Bruce #2 does for a living is tow oxen. When he is not lugging around ox he plows … If Bruce #2 ever had enough money to buy a car he would purchase a Ford F 350, but Bruce # 2 chooses to spend is equity on gym memberships.
Last night we went to Raju mama and Anu mamis house. When we arrived Arvil and I were immediately showered with beer and whiskey. Four of Raju mamas servants were slaving hard in the kitchen, no pun intended, preparing endless rounds of appetizers. By the time dinner was served I had eaten five or six different appetizers and had a couple beers. However Raju mama insisted that I finish two more beers before I began my dinner. I had woken up at 6 that morning, adventured all day, played Frisbee for two hours and as a result I could barely keep my eyes open.
At the pace I was drinking the Carlsbergs would never go all the way down. Raju mama had a solution; he walks me over to his fully stocked bar and pours vodka in my beer bottle. Nothing wakes you up like vodka and a pilsner. Shortly afterwards while struggling with my last beer Raju mama adds some coke to my beer. I am unsure of where Raju mama went to bartending school, but his style is unique and I am grateful for his hospitality.
My Didi massi is great. That’s not her actual name, but just what I call her. Didi is her nickname, which means sister, and massi is the word used for your aunt on your mother’s side. She manages an entire household, plays cards for 4 hours a day, and is one of the best fake money poker players in the world. Pokerstars has ranked her #3 globally, as she has amassed over 7 million play chips.
In addition she manages to take care of us pretty well.
Today was a holiday, but it really wasn’t a holiday. She explained it to me but it’s way too complicated for this b-log. She hasn’t allowed me to eat chicken, eggs, or any meat for that matter since we got here, which has lead to me losing 15 lbs, having massive diarrhea, as well as heart palpitations and gonorrhea. The doctor tried to tell me that the gonorrhea was not from the lack of chicken, but he knows jack shit.
So I’m a little hazy on the details, but it involved gods, Michael Cera, and an event in history where good defeats evil. On this holiday, you are supposed to feed young children as well as give them a little money. Most of these children are the children of the servants and drivers in the area, so they are not slum kids or anything. So she cooked breakfast, got some coins, and we went to the local temple.
She is a modern day Mother Theresa.
Here is Josh with his indian head stamp of authentication.
Today Arvil and I hit the streets of Delhi, hard. We started this adventure off hailing an auto rickshaw, the origin of this vehicles name is unknown but many believe it was named in honor of novelist Ric Wasley. Arvils Hindi flow becomes more and more refined each day and he managed to secure a 50 rupee ride to Qutab Minar.
Qutab MInar, the world’s tallest brick minaret, is a popular destination for foreigners and for locals it’s the hot spot to ogle at white people.
I have never been a delicacy before, most people in the US look almost as beautifully fair skinned as me. I am not sure whether they are blown away by my lack of flaws or confused by my perfection, either way my looks are worth their time. Many people offered rupees to take pictures with me but being the modest guy that I am, I gladly let snap photos free of charge.
Afterwards we wondered down a hill where hundreds of people crowded, we past a couple men fixing rickshaws, slum children on their grind, and giant trash piles. We ended up at a local flower market lined with 50 identical stores all selling the same exact flower.
These merchants are g-ds by American standards; if you’re capable of making ends meat pushing identical product as 50 other guys within a hundred yards, then one could only imagine the cash flow these dudes would be raking if they worked one day outside Fenway pumpin tickets.
Everyone in the market gave me the “smile and nod” combo followed by the popular “Here Sir” greeting in hopes that I throw them some rupees for flowers. I have no need for flowers since one gaze into my two hazels woes even the prettiest of Geishas.
It looks like Christmas came early. Rithlal is ready for the public, but is the public ready for Rithlal?
The first time I laid eyes on this man I was blinded by his ‘stache, but behind that beautiful patch of hair is an obedient telekinetic house servant. The man cleans dishes with 110% intensity, he cooks better than that rat from ratatouille and his thighs are complete trunks. Rithlal has been known to run 3 minute miles and routinely golf’s at a -8 handicap.
His looks could kill … and in fact they have. Three women were hospitalized last month due to dehydration and starvation, they couldn’t take their eyes off this beautiful medusa and they ultimately paid the price.
Rithlal stands at a modest 5’5, 52.2 kg (roughly a buck 15), if one didn’t know any better they might mistake him for a malnourished house servant, but Rithlal has .01% body fat and his enormous quads make him immovable. Rithlal is not a violent man by any means but he has been known to protect those that he cares for, recently killing a baker’s dozen LA Bloods.
As far as I know Rithlal is single, making him the most eligible bachelor in all of India and the world, recently edging out Michael Cera for Peoples sexiest man alive – 2009. Rithlal has the highest concentrated seed and only gives birth to males.
Stare at your own risk.
Don’t spend it all in one place.
In an attempt to make photocopies of Arvils passport we were swindled into buying a glass bottled coke, one pen and two more copies than we actually needed. This was originally supposed to cost 65 paises, roughly a penny, but the seasoned photocopier was a hard bargainer and as a result Arvil got closed, spending 20 rupees (roughly 50 cents).